In My 30 Years I have...

- Moved at least 12 times
- Lived in (for at least 6 months): 7 different time zones, 7 or 8 different countries (USA, Sudan, Egypt, Tunisia, Jordan, England, South Korea...), and at least 5 different states (Maryland, DC, Indiana, Utah, Washington State)
:Favorite country in first ten years of my life: USA
:Favorite country in second ten years of my life: Jordan or Tunisia
:Favorite country in third ten years of my life: England
: Favorite state: Utah
- Studied at least 7 different languages: (English, Arabic, French, Spanish, Italian, German, Chinese, Korean...)
- Had friends from at least 30 different countries
- Been on countless airplanes, for a total of well over 500 hours
- Had at least 4 passports

Eaten: Lots of weird things, and lost of awesome things
Favorite new food in last ten years: kimchi
Least favorite new food in the last ten years: this guppy, green seaweed thing I had in Korea(?), and cow's blood soup (also Korea)
Favorite new fruit: sun ripened raspberries off the bush, or Korean pears... I'm seeing a trend, apparently I associate food with Korea
Favorite food of my childhood: My Dad's teriyaki chicken, and ants on a log (I could make that one myself)

Favorite new tv show: Naruto
Favorite painting: "First Steps" by Van Gogh
Favorite building: probably some church in Italy
Favorite sculpture: Camille Claudel "The Waltz"
Favorite Museum: Either the Philadelphia Museum of Art, or the Villa Borghese in Rome
Favorite city: Rome
Favorite gelato:... grapefruit, or pear
Favorite ice cream: mmmm.... birthday cake, mint, chocolate... uh...

- Changed my major at least 5 times (Chinese Studies, Asian Studies, Art Ed, Humanities, Art History and Curatorial Studies.... then added a minor in Archaeology)
- Gotten two degrees (BA in Art History and Curatorial Studies and MA in Buildings Archaeology)

- Had at least 14 different jobs (camp counselor (3 wks), secretary w/ USAID (2 months), secretary w/ HR at Jordan embassy (4 months), dish room at BYU (4 months), BYU Laundry (1 yr), BYU Creamery (2 days), Admin Assistant w/ Open Major/Academic Advisement Center at BYU (4 months), Concessions for BYU Football game (3 weeks), Program facilitator w/ Field Studies (20 months), Gardener (1 month), Archaeological Field Technician (3 1/2 months), Data Control Technician for CRAB (5 1/2 months), Visitor Services at NBM (10 months), Admin Assistant FONA (6 months- current)-- I was also a baby sitter once...
- Been fired once (FONA)
- Quit 3 jobs within a month of being hired (oops)
Favorite job: BYU Field Studies
Least favorite job... toss up between BYU Creamery and working Concessions at BYU... oh no, I hated the gardening job too. I can't decide, they are the three I quit within one month, I guess I quit the creamery job the fastest...
Funniest thing a boss has said to me at a job: "I just can't understand why you're sooo slow..." lol! In retrospect, of course
Nicest thing an employer has said to me: "Top 2% most reliable"


Known thousands of people:

- Insulted countless of them (sorry!)
- Loved most of them

- Indifferent to a few of them
- Learned thousands of life lessons
- Taken many risks
- Experienced much heart ache
- Been loved by many of them
- Laughed almost every day... ok, at some points it was only probably about every week

- Been told by a doc that I have anxiety
- Gotten married in the LDS temple
- Learned to rely on God
- Learned that I don't have to be afraid
- Learned to laugh at people who are intentionally evil (at least eventually)
- Learned who I can trust and whose opinion is worth listening to
- Learned that change doesn't have to be scary
- Learned that being married is way better than being single
- Learned that big families are awesome
- Learned that 18 month year olds are super, super cute

Favorite new color: Teal
Least favorite color: Colors that are trying too hard to be other colors... I need colors to commit to what they are, come on!

Started an etsy shop (today!)

I'm getting married!

The last few months have been wonderful and very stressful all at once. The wedding is less than three weeks away and we are all ready to be done. I went to help at a wedding reception yesterday that inspired me to go back to my original mantage of "keep it simple, stupid" and "if it isn't fun, don't do it" for my own wedding planning, because yesterday was not simple at all. It reminded me that sometimes, especially with a wedding, it is better to spend money than to ask the people you love to run around like crazy people on your wedding day. Its better to buy a cake than to make one. Its better to cater food than to make it. Its better to host the event at a place that is already beautiful, then to try and make a free place look presentable. And sometimes you just have to bite the bullet and spend a lot of money to preserve the sanity and happiness of those involved. Brennen and I did have some stress trying to keep our wedding day/reception stress free, mostly because it was really hard around here to find a venue that was affordable and also wouldn't take tons of man-power to make it look presentable. That was the number one stresser that made the wedding planning not very much fun at all. The other thing is that we are fitting an engagement, starting a new job (for both of us), a wedding and moving into a new apartment in three and a half month period of time, which means that some stress is inevitable. Right now though, I'm ready to just give everything up, stop planning and just let the day arrive in its own due time. The one thing I am glad of, is that our stress is only going to last a solid three and a half months and then its over... which I feel is much better than stressing for a solid six months for a wedding that will last one day. All in all, I'm pretty happy with the way things are turning out. I had been planning to do a little bit of last minute food prep for our own reception, things like slicing watermelon in cute shapes, making pimento cheese dip, slicing cheese for a cheese tray and throwing together pistachio fluff, all easy things,... but after yesterday I made a list of things to pick up at costco and that's what we're going to do. No food prep the day of, just putting flowers in vases, and putting linens on tables. That's the extent of what I feel comfortable letting my family and friends do in our honor. The day of the wedding is going to be cake and I'm more and more glad that our receptions and wedding are on separate days every minute because the day of our wedding will be simple with close friends and family, good food, pretty pictures and then going home. A 3:00pm wedding, pictures in central park to follow, and lunch across the street from the temple, buffet style. No set up, no clean up. Easy peasy. I'm so grateful. The annoying thing is that everyone had to ride in a bus for four hours to and from New York, but I think we will make that fun. I can't remember what the purpose of this blog post was, but if anyone who is engaged is reading this, please save yourself some time and stress and just do what we're doing, you'll be glad in the end, and most importantly, so will your family and friends. Everyone will remember your wedding as a delightful and fun occasion, and not as that awful day where they were running around trying to cut fondant flowers out with a tiny, tiny cutter two hours before the reception.

Old Testament Women

I've been reading in the Old Testament a lot lately and have been surprised by a lot of the misconceptions that I've had about the Old Testament. A few of these may have included that it was 1) Boring, 2) A list of names of people who begat people, 3) Full of people making a lot of really lame choices and forgetting the miracles they'd seen, 4) Dry, 5) the word of the "angry" God.

Wow, I'm really wrong! Let's start with Job. This book isn't extremely easy to understand but I'm really impressed with how lyrical the writing is. I'm sure that most bible scholars already know this, but I have been pleasantly surprised. It turns out, even when Job is talking about his rotting flesh, he does it in a very smooth-like-honey way!

The second great realization I've made is that there are a TON of really righteous women whose stories are told in the Old Testament. In fact, after thinking about it, its feeling like the only individual women we really get to hear about are in the Old Testament, except for accounts of Emma Smith in the Doctrine and Covenants, and the collective account of the mothers of the sons of Helaman in the Book of Mormon. I may be forgetting some, but I don't think so. Of course there are also some very lovely images of women in the New Testament, but the Old Testament is full of stories about women who are bold, righteous, wise, extremely faithful. A few that come to mind include Esther, Ruth and Naomi, and Hannah. Most recently I re-read the story of the widow of Zarephath, which is a really nice story about the woman who willingly gave up her and her son's last meal on earth to feed a prophet, who was later blessed with plenty, and even saw her son rise from the dead at the hands of Elijah.

This story speaks to me today because every day I feel like I am about to make my last little loaf of bread and then I won't be able to keep going. I especially feel this way with the whole job hunt. But I want to be like the widow of Zarephath, who was faithful enough that she gave up what she had, not even necessarily expecting the Lord to provide for her, just because she knew it was the right thing to do.

How often does the Lord promise us blessings and then we doubt that he will ever follow through. I wonder if one of the big tests of life is learning that we can, and should, learn to EXPECT that if we are living righteously and doing our best that the Lord will support us in our efforts to live successfully in this life.

A number of times, and in a variety of ways, God has told me I will have a career. He recently told me in a father's blessing that after a little more searching I would be able find a job. If He has told me that, why am I not expecting like it will happen? Why do I still swoon when I submit (yet another) job application and don't even get a confirmation email in return? Why do I worry? Why am I not -planning- for it to happen? The Lord has promised me a job, he will follow through, its my job to prepare for it and to work for it.

I remember when I was on my mission my companion Sister Jeong En Young and I were serving together in Taejeon. It was my third area and also one of my hardest areas. Taejeon was a somewhat cold city, being so near to Seoul not many people wanted to hear what the missionary on the corner wanted to say. In late October, possibly early November, the Bishop of our ward decided to set a ward baptismal date for some time in December, maybe Christmas Eve. At the time we did not have anyone who was even close to wanting to be baptised, I think we, the sisters, only had maybe one investigator in our teaching pool. I kind of blew off the goal of the bishop. I was working for it, but I didn't really expect anything to happen. My companion, on the other hand, really believed with everything she had that the goal would be met. She was inspirational. We prayed like crazy, talked to everyone we knew, worked hard, prayed and fasted with the people we were teaching to find -someone- to be baptised on the date the bishop had set aside. Weeks went by and we had no luck. Nonetheless, my companion started preparing for the baptismal service. We got a nice copy of the book of Mormon and we each wrote our testimonies inside. We bought even bought a baptismal gift, and still we had no one in our teaching pool who looked like they would be baptised.

About 2 or 3 weeks before the deadline one of the investigators we'd been working very closely with called us up and said she wanted her daughter to be baptised. We were pretty shocked. We met with the daughter and it seemed like that's what the daughter wanted as well. She came to church 2 or 3 times before being baptised, got special permission from the mission president and was baptised in December. It was the largest baptismal service I ever attended on my mission. I learned then that sometimes we have to not only expect the Lord to honor his promises, but to actively prepare for them to happen... to get everything in place so that we are physically, mentally and emotionally prepared for God to fulfill his promises.

Now my task is to figure out how I can show the Lord that I'm really prepared for this job he has promised to send me, and to get to work looking for that job that I know is out there. May God bless us in all our efforts to believe in him!

Release Expectation and Life Rushes In

I have a dear friend with whom I lived for almost two years at Alta Apartments in Utah. She and I were painfully single and there were times when it really bothered me. I would stay up late fretting about why nobody liked me, or why guy "a" didn't realize that I was the coolest person ever, or why so many of the guys I knew were lame, etc etc... very productive thinking, as you can see. ;) At times like these, my friend would sometimes repeat to me her former roommate's motto before she got married around the age of 29. It was "release expectations and open to the possibilities".

It wasn't until the last six months that I started to think seriously about what this phrase meant. By releasing expectations in dating you automatically open yourself up to the idea of potentially being interested in anyone at any time... It gives you permission to consider a guy (or gal) that you otherwise probably wouldn't, to explore and to let life surprise you. I realized after a few months or weeks of thinking about this, that adopting this mantra also allows you to give yourself permission to be happy, even when single. Honestly, when I really started to take this phrase in a lot of the dating pressures I had felt through most of my young-adult seemed to be released just like steam is released from a pressure cooker. My outlook improved, I allowed myself to be happy single and I put my energies into worrying about other things, like potential school or my calling.

Within weeks of feeling like I had adopted this motto I went to stake conference and sat down next to a guy from my ward. I had been looking for people I knew to sit with and this was the only guy I could find. We talked for about half an hour before stake conference started and then for perhaps another half hour after stake conference ended. This guy had me intrigued. He was cute and it was SO easy to talk to him.

The following Wednesday at institute he found me after the lesson and we talked for about another hour. He facebook messaged me during the week and at some point caught me online and we started chatting. The next Sunday we ran into each other at a party and ended up talking the whole night and going out for a walk afterwards to talk some more. At some point he invited himself along to a concert I was planning on going to and asked me out for the following Sunday. Except by the time Sunday rolled around we'd already decided we wanted to start dating.

Now, this is a crazy story. Within weeks of adopting this ideology to "release expectation and open to the possibilities" this guy came out of nowhere and after about two weeks of talking to each other we decided to commit to a relationship. It's not that I had never considered this guy as a potential, but we hadn't ever really talked, and I was pretty sure he was considerably younger than me (he was!) so I never really took the idea seriously, yet within weeks of changing my mentality my dating life changed -forever-.

So what's the point? Lately I've been experiencing a lot of anxiety-- the same kind of anxiety I used to feel about dating (or not dating). Anxiety about work, school, play, cleaning my house, you name it. I've become frustrated with my job and seeming stagnation over the last few years. It's something Brennen and I have talked about a lot because it is something that really brings me down sometimes. Brennen has this great ability to be happy, even when things don't relaly seem to be going awesomely. He doesn't base his happiness on how great his job is, he doesn't stress about things if he can't fix them. This mentality is an epiphany to me. Today I was thinking about this and the motto I when I wasn't dating anyone. And what I'm thinking is that perhaps this motto that I adopted while single is also applicable to other areas of my life. Perhaps if I can adopt a "release expectation, open to the possibilities" perspective about my current job then things will look up, I will find ways to be productive and contribute to my work place, and I won't feel like my happiness is entrenched in how interesting my job is (or isn't).

My thoughts are still in the process of settling here, but I'm thinking that this concept makes a lot of sense. If I can learn to be happy in a job where I am woefully overqualified and underpaid, then I can learn to be happy no matter what is going on in my life. It will essentially be me allowing myself not to stress about the little things in life and to remember what is really important-- family, friends, the gospel, my hobbies. And perhaps adopting this attitude will give me a little something extra in job interviews and on job applications that an employer will like. If not, I will be happy anyway, so I don't really lose anything.

Great News

I just found out that a girl I knew while living in Jordan is currently serving a missionary for the LDS church in Rochester, New York. She and her family are of Armenian descent, and were baptized when she was about eleven. I stumbled across her blog on facebook today and was reading through a few of the posts. I was struck by a couple of things, 1) How strong and mature her testimony is, even though she was raised in a predominantly Muslim country, with a family who is still very new to the church (well, probably about 12 years by now, but she joined at a very young age), 2) How well she communicates her thoughts in English. Although there were some grammatical errors, her thoughts were complex and the product of careful study and complex ideas, even her sentence structures and word choices reflected a very well developed sense of understanding the English language. I was so impressed, that the last time I saw this girl, about ten years ago, she could barely speak to me at all, and now she is serving an English speaking mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I think and read about the struggles she has gone through to get where she is now, and I am so impressed. I wonder if I've done anything like what she has, and in the same thought think, if I haven't yet, why can't I in the future?

Lately I've been struggling to re-define myself. After getting a masters in archaeology in England and working in non-archaeology fields for the last year its becoming painfully obvious that if I want to work in "my field" I will have to wait and struggle and fight and struggle some more, and I may never get there. When there are budget cuts, archaeology is one of the first to go, meaning that there are fewer jobs out there and a much higher number of people competing for them. Although I love archaeology, I just haven't been feeling up to the challenge of fighting for years, and putting in the part-time, volunteer hours to get my food in the door somewhere so that I can struggle and fight and scrimp for the rest of my life in a job that doesn't meet my financial needs, and isn't something I can just leave at the office at the end of the day.

I know that there is no field that hasn't been hit by the economic downturn of the last few years. At the same time, I know that succeeding in archaeology will take more effort, more patience, and putting up with more shenanigans than most other fields. So, in short, I've been considering looking into other fields, into finding a field that will allow me to develop various skills over time, and earn decent money, that I could potentially do part-time if circumstances ever require.

Re-defining myself is kind of a big deal for me, I never thought I would have to do it, or maybe I never dreamed that I ever could. But lately I've been feeling like I should consider it, and honestly that gives me a sense of freedom that I haven't felt in a very long time. It almost feels impossible, but then I look at what Armen has done in the last ten years and I think "Why not me too? What's stopping me from standing up and breaking new ground and doing something new? What is there besides my own insecurities and Satan's evil lies that keep me from succeeding?". The truth is that I can do that too, I may almost be 29, I may already have a masters degree, but what's stopping me from working hard and achieving a dream? Only my own fears.

A great friend told me tonight that if fear and money are the only two things standing between us and a goal, that we shouldn't let them hold us back because we will almost always regret it. I feel like there are many instances of this in my life.

Armen's blog has a quote that has been widely attributed to Nelson Mandela

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

What's stopping me from standing up and reaching out and dreaming big and grabbing this destiny that could be mine? If is nothing but fear than that is license by itself to dream as big as your heart or brain will allow. So that's waht I'm going to do. I'm going to take some time for myself and dream big and see where it takes me. Wherever it is, it will be good. So step aside world, I'm about to reach out and carve myself a place.

Regrettfully

Sometimes I really regret leaving Field Studies. There was something about Field Studies that always felt like home-- people w/ similar ideas, people with cultural interests, people with interesting questions, educated people. Really, I think it was the sense of community that I loved and long for. I also regret never having gone on a 'real' field study. My experiences in Italy were painfully short, and didn't involve (in my opinion) enough inquiry. Every few months I try to scheme about how I can go on another field study, and go through the field study course, and strategize with other students, and become engaged in my class and the culture I visit. Realistically though, this is probably not going to happen and it really breaks my heart. But my latest thought is, why can't I have that experience here, in D.C.? D.C. culture, like most areas of the US is pretty foreign to me. I never went to an American high school really, certainly not one in the ghetto, to one that looked like a jail and had metal detectors and guards posted at the doors. I never really knew anyone who was Black. The group of people I work with at lego have such different backgrounds from mine too, they are from all over the U.S., big cities, small cities, some transient, others lived in the same place their whole lives. We all have really different political ideas etc.

If I consider what it is about a traditional field study experience that I feel I missed out on, I'd say its engaging with a culture that is not my own and asking lots of questions, getting to know people I wouldn't have met anywhere else/in any other way, talking to people who are totally foreign to me. Why can't I do that here? There is certainly enough diversity, and certainly enough opportunity to engage, is there not? So why not? Perhaps I will embark on my own field study experience. I'm planning to take a medical terminology course through the local community college, it is in the ghetto and I'm sure there will be a lot of different types of people there, perhaps my goal should be to engage with that "culture", with the people I meet. Whereas my natural instinct would be to be shy and somewhat reclusive, perhaps I should make an effort to reach out to others, maybe my efforts will be accepted, maybe they will not, but whatever happens I'm sure if I am able to try and do this I will have no regrets. I wonder how else I can engage with my local community? I don't wanna have any more regrets!

Where am I from?

A couple weeks ago my brother-in-law Jeff asked me what I tell people when they ask where I am from. I replied "I usually lie, or evade the question." Today I was talking to a co-worker about the same thing and it occurred to me, that I probably have a lot of friends who don't actually know my background. When I lived in Egypt and Jordan I usually told people from outside of my school (like taxi drivers) that I was from Canada or the UK. When I moved to Utah for the first time I used to tell people I was from Indiana, Maryland, Georgia, wherever. Then once in a while people would ask what high school I went to and things would get complicated. When I moved to England I just told the truth b/c nobody really cared that I grew up outside of the US and they didn't ask stupid questions about it. When I moved to Seattle I said "I just moved from England" and when I moved to D.C. I said/say "I just moved from Seattle", although I haven't lived in any of these places for more than a few months, or at most a year at a time. When I move from here, I plan to say "I just moved from D.C". Inevitably this leads to confusion when I drop a story about my Chinese/Indian friend in Ma'adi whose mother cooked the most amazing food, and the person things I was born and raised in corn-country Indiana. But what am I supposed to say? Where am I from? Here is a timeline of my life, maybe you can decide.

Born Oct 2, 1982 in Anne Arundel General Hospital, Annapolis, Maryland.
Nov (?) 1982 I moved to Sudan with my parents
Aug (?) 1984 I moved to Cairo for the first time with my family
Dec/Jan(?) 1988 (?) I moved to Maryland w/ my family
Aug 1990 (or so) moved to Tunisia
Jan 1990 evacuated back to Maryland
Sept 1991 (?) moved back to Tunisia
Aug 1994 (?) moved back to Egypt
Aug 1997 (?) moved to Jordan
Aug 1998 moved to Indiana
Jan 1999 moved back to Jordan
Aug 2001 moved to Provo, Utah
Dec 2003 moved to Indiana
Mar 2004 went to Provo MTC to learn Korean
Jun 2004 moved to South Korea
Oct 2005 went home to Georgia
Jan 2006 moved back to Provo-UT
Oct 2009 moved to York, England
Sept 2010 moved to Seattle, WA
Apr 2011 moved to Washington DC
Presently in Washington, DC

This doesn't include the number of times I've moved from city to city within a country, or the time I spent outside of the US doing study abroad, etc. I spent a month in Taiwan (supposed to be longer) studying Chinese, and I spend a total of about 3 months in Italy doing archaeology. So you tell me, where am I from? Where would you say? Its the 3rd culture kid enigma. I lived the longest in Egypt but I never really 'lived' in Egypt, and no I don't speak Arabic. D.C. is where I feel most at home after all these years, but I have only been here a matter of months. I think the reason I love DC so much though, is because it reminds me a lot of Ma'adi, and many of my formative years were spent in that Cairo suburb. II think it is all the trees, medans (round abouts), noise, crowds of ppl, awful traffic, close proximity (walking distance) btw home or work, they all just make me feel at home and comfortable, but neither D.C. nor Ma'adi are my culture.

This week I went to my first ghetto high school in greater D.C. It was a culture shock experience. It looked like a jail, there were no windows, two cop cars were parked outside and there were metal detectors to get in, it was run down and ugly, I felt gross being there. I was talking to a co-worker of mine who was born and raised in D.C. and her culture is not my culture. Perhaps partly b/c of our different ethnic backgrounds, but in many ways D.C. is not my culture, I don't know the subtle nuances, I don't speak the language.

I've been reading a book by a Times journalist who was raised in San Juan, CA but who was born in Iran and came to the US as part of the revolution-inspired diaspora. A big part of her book is learning to navigate two different cultures and decide which is her own, its all about her search for place, really. I can relate to a lot of what she says, the frustration of trying to relate to people, to explain your background, to defend yourself when you don't know some tidbit of pop-culture, the weariness of answering so many questions when you just want to live and be 'normal' and talk at social functions rather than explain your life story, the sadness of not really belonging in either culture and yet being a product of both.

Some people talk about a 3rd culture kid phenomenon that occurs in communities of ex patriots. I think it has a lot of truth to it. I don't understand the subtle nuances of my "own" culture (meaning American), nor do I understand or speak the language of the culture of the countries where I was raised. My culture is a 3rd culture, it isn't American, it isn't the Middle Eastern. I'm most comfortable moving frequently, socializing w/ people from a variety of countries and backgrounds, eating food that is not potatoes and meat, speaking English as a second language, enjoying small/close communities and viewing my "own" culture (Of America) as a partial outsider. But how do you explain that to someone who has grown up, or been raised in the same place, or mostly similar places their whole life? And how do you determine where you are from? Can you tell someone that you are from a nebulous non-country-non-place that has neither a location nor a name? Will they understand when you say you feel home sick when you hear the call-to-prayer or realize that you no longer have any Chinese or Indian friends whose mothers cook amazing foods? Or how do you respond when people criticize you for criticizing your own nation's politics and lamenting that you don't have a socialist health care system, or really old buildings and stuff?

I wish I had a passport to this non-place so people would take me seriously and stop asking me stupid questions like "What was that like growing up overseas?" as if I have anything to compare my experience to. At BYU I always wanted to get in with the Arab cliques, or any international clique really, but even there I wouldn't quite belong, I'd still be an outsider. I wish there was a way, as an adult, to go home, even for a day, to return to the life that I remember, to eat the food, socialize with the familiar faces, to soak up the rich cultural differences over steaming home made chipatis, I wish there was a community of ex-patriots that I could inject myself into, a group of people who would understand where I come from, but there isn't, you can't re-create my past and my home, not unless you're willing and able to move, and even then I think it would be difficult. What ends up happening is that you adjust, you adopt another culture (in my case American) as your own and try to settle, but inside you always know that you don't quite belong and that nobody will ever really understand and that you can never really get it back. Maybe I should just refer people to this blog post.