In My 30 Years I have...

- Moved at least 12 times
- Lived in (for at least 6 months): 7 different time zones, 7 or 8 different countries (USA, Sudan, Egypt, Tunisia, Jordan, England, South Korea...), and at least 5 different states (Maryland, DC, Indiana, Utah, Washington State)
:Favorite country in first ten years of my life: USA
:Favorite country in second ten years of my life: Jordan or Tunisia
:Favorite country in third ten years of my life: England
: Favorite state: Utah
- Studied at least 7 different languages: (English, Arabic, French, Spanish, Italian, German, Chinese, Korean...)
- Had friends from at least 30 different countries
- Been on countless airplanes, for a total of well over 500 hours
- Had at least 4 passports

Eaten: Lots of weird things, and lost of awesome things
Favorite new food in last ten years: kimchi
Least favorite new food in the last ten years: this guppy, green seaweed thing I had in Korea(?), and cow's blood soup (also Korea)
Favorite new fruit: sun ripened raspberries off the bush, or Korean pears... I'm seeing a trend, apparently I associate food with Korea
Favorite food of my childhood: My Dad's teriyaki chicken, and ants on a log (I could make that one myself)

Favorite new tv show: Naruto
Favorite painting: "First Steps" by Van Gogh
Favorite building: probably some church in Italy
Favorite sculpture: Camille Claudel "The Waltz"
Favorite Museum: Either the Philadelphia Museum of Art, or the Villa Borghese in Rome
Favorite city: Rome
Favorite gelato:... grapefruit, or pear
Favorite ice cream: mmmm.... birthday cake, mint, chocolate... uh...

- Changed my major at least 5 times (Chinese Studies, Asian Studies, Art Ed, Humanities, Art History and Curatorial Studies.... then added a minor in Archaeology)
- Gotten two degrees (BA in Art History and Curatorial Studies and MA in Buildings Archaeology)

- Had at least 14 different jobs (camp counselor (3 wks), secretary w/ USAID (2 months), secretary w/ HR at Jordan embassy (4 months), dish room at BYU (4 months), BYU Laundry (1 yr), BYU Creamery (2 days), Admin Assistant w/ Open Major/Academic Advisement Center at BYU (4 months), Concessions for BYU Football game (3 weeks), Program facilitator w/ Field Studies (20 months), Gardener (1 month), Archaeological Field Technician (3 1/2 months), Data Control Technician for CRAB (5 1/2 months), Visitor Services at NBM (10 months), Admin Assistant FONA (6 months- current)-- I was also a baby sitter once...
- Been fired once (FONA)
- Quit 3 jobs within a month of being hired (oops)
Favorite job: BYU Field Studies
Least favorite job... toss up between BYU Creamery and working Concessions at BYU... oh no, I hated the gardening job too. I can't decide, they are the three I quit within one month, I guess I quit the creamery job the fastest...
Funniest thing a boss has said to me at a job: "I just can't understand why you're sooo slow..." lol! In retrospect, of course
Nicest thing an employer has said to me: "Top 2% most reliable"


Known thousands of people:

- Insulted countless of them (sorry!)
- Loved most of them

- Indifferent to a few of them
- Learned thousands of life lessons
- Taken many risks
- Experienced much heart ache
- Been loved by many of them
- Laughed almost every day... ok, at some points it was only probably about every week

- Been told by a doc that I have anxiety
- Gotten married in the LDS temple
- Learned to rely on God
- Learned that I don't have to be afraid
- Learned to laugh at people who are intentionally evil (at least eventually)
- Learned who I can trust and whose opinion is worth listening to
- Learned that change doesn't have to be scary
- Learned that being married is way better than being single
- Learned that big families are awesome
- Learned that 18 month year olds are super, super cute

Favorite new color: Teal
Least favorite color: Colors that are trying too hard to be other colors... I need colors to commit to what they are, come on!

Started an etsy shop (today!)

I'm getting married!

The last few months have been wonderful and very stressful all at once. The wedding is less than three weeks away and we are all ready to be done. I went to help at a wedding reception yesterday that inspired me to go back to my original mantage of "keep it simple, stupid" and "if it isn't fun, don't do it" for my own wedding planning, because yesterday was not simple at all. It reminded me that sometimes, especially with a wedding, it is better to spend money than to ask the people you love to run around like crazy people on your wedding day. Its better to buy a cake than to make one. Its better to cater food than to make it. Its better to host the event at a place that is already beautiful, then to try and make a free place look presentable. And sometimes you just have to bite the bullet and spend a lot of money to preserve the sanity and happiness of those involved. Brennen and I did have some stress trying to keep our wedding day/reception stress free, mostly because it was really hard around here to find a venue that was affordable and also wouldn't take tons of man-power to make it look presentable. That was the number one stresser that made the wedding planning not very much fun at all. The other thing is that we are fitting an engagement, starting a new job (for both of us), a wedding and moving into a new apartment in three and a half month period of time, which means that some stress is inevitable. Right now though, I'm ready to just give everything up, stop planning and just let the day arrive in its own due time. The one thing I am glad of, is that our stress is only going to last a solid three and a half months and then its over... which I feel is much better than stressing for a solid six months for a wedding that will last one day. All in all, I'm pretty happy with the way things are turning out. I had been planning to do a little bit of last minute food prep for our own reception, things like slicing watermelon in cute shapes, making pimento cheese dip, slicing cheese for a cheese tray and throwing together pistachio fluff, all easy things,... but after yesterday I made a list of things to pick up at costco and that's what we're going to do. No food prep the day of, just putting flowers in vases, and putting linens on tables. That's the extent of what I feel comfortable letting my family and friends do in our honor. The day of the wedding is going to be cake and I'm more and more glad that our receptions and wedding are on separate days every minute because the day of our wedding will be simple with close friends and family, good food, pretty pictures and then going home. A 3:00pm wedding, pictures in central park to follow, and lunch across the street from the temple, buffet style. No set up, no clean up. Easy peasy. I'm so grateful. The annoying thing is that everyone had to ride in a bus for four hours to and from New York, but I think we will make that fun. I can't remember what the purpose of this blog post was, but if anyone who is engaged is reading this, please save yourself some time and stress and just do what we're doing, you'll be glad in the end, and most importantly, so will your family and friends. Everyone will remember your wedding as a delightful and fun occasion, and not as that awful day where they were running around trying to cut fondant flowers out with a tiny, tiny cutter two hours before the reception.

Old Testament Women

I've been reading in the Old Testament a lot lately and have been surprised by a lot of the misconceptions that I've had about the Old Testament. A few of these may have included that it was 1) Boring, 2) A list of names of people who begat people, 3) Full of people making a lot of really lame choices and forgetting the miracles they'd seen, 4) Dry, 5) the word of the "angry" God.

Wow, I'm really wrong! Let's start with Job. This book isn't extremely easy to understand but I'm really impressed with how lyrical the writing is. I'm sure that most bible scholars already know this, but I have been pleasantly surprised. It turns out, even when Job is talking about his rotting flesh, he does it in a very smooth-like-honey way!

The second great realization I've made is that there are a TON of really righteous women whose stories are told in the Old Testament. In fact, after thinking about it, its feeling like the only individual women we really get to hear about are in the Old Testament, except for accounts of Emma Smith in the Doctrine and Covenants, and the collective account of the mothers of the sons of Helaman in the Book of Mormon. I may be forgetting some, but I don't think so. Of course there are also some very lovely images of women in the New Testament, but the Old Testament is full of stories about women who are bold, righteous, wise, extremely faithful. A few that come to mind include Esther, Ruth and Naomi, and Hannah. Most recently I re-read the story of the widow of Zarephath, which is a really nice story about the woman who willingly gave up her and her son's last meal on earth to feed a prophet, who was later blessed with plenty, and even saw her son rise from the dead at the hands of Elijah.

This story speaks to me today because every day I feel like I am about to make my last little loaf of bread and then I won't be able to keep going. I especially feel this way with the whole job hunt. But I want to be like the widow of Zarephath, who was faithful enough that she gave up what she had, not even necessarily expecting the Lord to provide for her, just because she knew it was the right thing to do.

How often does the Lord promise us blessings and then we doubt that he will ever follow through. I wonder if one of the big tests of life is learning that we can, and should, learn to EXPECT that if we are living righteously and doing our best that the Lord will support us in our efforts to live successfully in this life.

A number of times, and in a variety of ways, God has told me I will have a career. He recently told me in a father's blessing that after a little more searching I would be able find a job. If He has told me that, why am I not expecting like it will happen? Why do I still swoon when I submit (yet another) job application and don't even get a confirmation email in return? Why do I worry? Why am I not -planning- for it to happen? The Lord has promised me a job, he will follow through, its my job to prepare for it and to work for it.

I remember when I was on my mission my companion Sister Jeong En Young and I were serving together in Taejeon. It was my third area and also one of my hardest areas. Taejeon was a somewhat cold city, being so near to Seoul not many people wanted to hear what the missionary on the corner wanted to say. In late October, possibly early November, the Bishop of our ward decided to set a ward baptismal date for some time in December, maybe Christmas Eve. At the time we did not have anyone who was even close to wanting to be baptised, I think we, the sisters, only had maybe one investigator in our teaching pool. I kind of blew off the goal of the bishop. I was working for it, but I didn't really expect anything to happen. My companion, on the other hand, really believed with everything she had that the goal would be met. She was inspirational. We prayed like crazy, talked to everyone we knew, worked hard, prayed and fasted with the people we were teaching to find -someone- to be baptised on the date the bishop had set aside. Weeks went by and we had no luck. Nonetheless, my companion started preparing for the baptismal service. We got a nice copy of the book of Mormon and we each wrote our testimonies inside. We bought even bought a baptismal gift, and still we had no one in our teaching pool who looked like they would be baptised.

About 2 or 3 weeks before the deadline one of the investigators we'd been working very closely with called us up and said she wanted her daughter to be baptised. We were pretty shocked. We met with the daughter and it seemed like that's what the daughter wanted as well. She came to church 2 or 3 times before being baptised, got special permission from the mission president and was baptised in December. It was the largest baptismal service I ever attended on my mission. I learned then that sometimes we have to not only expect the Lord to honor his promises, but to actively prepare for them to happen... to get everything in place so that we are physically, mentally and emotionally prepared for God to fulfill his promises.

Now my task is to figure out how I can show the Lord that I'm really prepared for this job he has promised to send me, and to get to work looking for that job that I know is out there. May God bless us in all our efforts to believe in him!

Release Expectation and Life Rushes In

I have a dear friend with whom I lived for almost two years at Alta Apartments in Utah. She and I were painfully single and there were times when it really bothered me. I would stay up late fretting about why nobody liked me, or why guy "a" didn't realize that I was the coolest person ever, or why so many of the guys I knew were lame, etc etc... very productive thinking, as you can see. ;) At times like these, my friend would sometimes repeat to me her former roommate's motto before she got married around the age of 29. It was "release expectations and open to the possibilities".

It wasn't until the last six months that I started to think seriously about what this phrase meant. By releasing expectations in dating you automatically open yourself up to the idea of potentially being interested in anyone at any time... It gives you permission to consider a guy (or gal) that you otherwise probably wouldn't, to explore and to let life surprise you. I realized after a few months or weeks of thinking about this, that adopting this mantra also allows you to give yourself permission to be happy, even when single. Honestly, when I really started to take this phrase in a lot of the dating pressures I had felt through most of my young-adult seemed to be released just like steam is released from a pressure cooker. My outlook improved, I allowed myself to be happy single and I put my energies into worrying about other things, like potential school or my calling.

Within weeks of feeling like I had adopted this motto I went to stake conference and sat down next to a guy from my ward. I had been looking for people I knew to sit with and this was the only guy I could find. We talked for about half an hour before stake conference started and then for perhaps another half hour after stake conference ended. This guy had me intrigued. He was cute and it was SO easy to talk to him.

The following Wednesday at institute he found me after the lesson and we talked for about another hour. He facebook messaged me during the week and at some point caught me online and we started chatting. The next Sunday we ran into each other at a party and ended up talking the whole night and going out for a walk afterwards to talk some more. At some point he invited himself along to a concert I was planning on going to and asked me out for the following Sunday. Except by the time Sunday rolled around we'd already decided we wanted to start dating.

Now, this is a crazy story. Within weeks of adopting this ideology to "release expectation and open to the possibilities" this guy came out of nowhere and after about two weeks of talking to each other we decided to commit to a relationship. It's not that I had never considered this guy as a potential, but we hadn't ever really talked, and I was pretty sure he was considerably younger than me (he was!) so I never really took the idea seriously, yet within weeks of changing my mentality my dating life changed -forever-.

So what's the point? Lately I've been experiencing a lot of anxiety-- the same kind of anxiety I used to feel about dating (or not dating). Anxiety about work, school, play, cleaning my house, you name it. I've become frustrated with my job and seeming stagnation over the last few years. It's something Brennen and I have talked about a lot because it is something that really brings me down sometimes. Brennen has this great ability to be happy, even when things don't relaly seem to be going awesomely. He doesn't base his happiness on how great his job is, he doesn't stress about things if he can't fix them. This mentality is an epiphany to me. Today I was thinking about this and the motto I when I wasn't dating anyone. And what I'm thinking is that perhaps this motto that I adopted while single is also applicable to other areas of my life. Perhaps if I can adopt a "release expectation, open to the possibilities" perspective about my current job then things will look up, I will find ways to be productive and contribute to my work place, and I won't feel like my happiness is entrenched in how interesting my job is (or isn't).

My thoughts are still in the process of settling here, but I'm thinking that this concept makes a lot of sense. If I can learn to be happy in a job where I am woefully overqualified and underpaid, then I can learn to be happy no matter what is going on in my life. It will essentially be me allowing myself not to stress about the little things in life and to remember what is really important-- family, friends, the gospel, my hobbies. And perhaps adopting this attitude will give me a little something extra in job interviews and on job applications that an employer will like. If not, I will be happy anyway, so I don't really lose anything.

Great News

I just found out that a girl I knew while living in Jordan is currently serving a missionary for the LDS church in Rochester, New York. She and her family are of Armenian descent, and were baptized when she was about eleven. I stumbled across her blog on facebook today and was reading through a few of the posts. I was struck by a couple of things, 1) How strong and mature her testimony is, even though she was raised in a predominantly Muslim country, with a family who is still very new to the church (well, probably about 12 years by now, but she joined at a very young age), 2) How well she communicates her thoughts in English. Although there were some grammatical errors, her thoughts were complex and the product of careful study and complex ideas, even her sentence structures and word choices reflected a very well developed sense of understanding the English language. I was so impressed, that the last time I saw this girl, about ten years ago, she could barely speak to me at all, and now she is serving an English speaking mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I think and read about the struggles she has gone through to get where she is now, and I am so impressed. I wonder if I've done anything like what she has, and in the same thought think, if I haven't yet, why can't I in the future?

Lately I've been struggling to re-define myself. After getting a masters in archaeology in England and working in non-archaeology fields for the last year its becoming painfully obvious that if I want to work in "my field" I will have to wait and struggle and fight and struggle some more, and I may never get there. When there are budget cuts, archaeology is one of the first to go, meaning that there are fewer jobs out there and a much higher number of people competing for them. Although I love archaeology, I just haven't been feeling up to the challenge of fighting for years, and putting in the part-time, volunteer hours to get my food in the door somewhere so that I can struggle and fight and scrimp for the rest of my life in a job that doesn't meet my financial needs, and isn't something I can just leave at the office at the end of the day.

I know that there is no field that hasn't been hit by the economic downturn of the last few years. At the same time, I know that succeeding in archaeology will take more effort, more patience, and putting up with more shenanigans than most other fields. So, in short, I've been considering looking into other fields, into finding a field that will allow me to develop various skills over time, and earn decent money, that I could potentially do part-time if circumstances ever require.

Re-defining myself is kind of a big deal for me, I never thought I would have to do it, or maybe I never dreamed that I ever could. But lately I've been feeling like I should consider it, and honestly that gives me a sense of freedom that I haven't felt in a very long time. It almost feels impossible, but then I look at what Armen has done in the last ten years and I think "Why not me too? What's stopping me from standing up and breaking new ground and doing something new? What is there besides my own insecurities and Satan's evil lies that keep me from succeeding?". The truth is that I can do that too, I may almost be 29, I may already have a masters degree, but what's stopping me from working hard and achieving a dream? Only my own fears.

A great friend told me tonight that if fear and money are the only two things standing between us and a goal, that we shouldn't let them hold us back because we will almost always regret it. I feel like there are many instances of this in my life.

Armen's blog has a quote that has been widely attributed to Nelson Mandela

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

What's stopping me from standing up and reaching out and dreaming big and grabbing this destiny that could be mine? If is nothing but fear than that is license by itself to dream as big as your heart or brain will allow. So that's waht I'm going to do. I'm going to take some time for myself and dream big and see where it takes me. Wherever it is, it will be good. So step aside world, I'm about to reach out and carve myself a place.

Regrettfully

Sometimes I really regret leaving Field Studies. There was something about Field Studies that always felt like home-- people w/ similar ideas, people with cultural interests, people with interesting questions, educated people. Really, I think it was the sense of community that I loved and long for. I also regret never having gone on a 'real' field study. My experiences in Italy were painfully short, and didn't involve (in my opinion) enough inquiry. Every few months I try to scheme about how I can go on another field study, and go through the field study course, and strategize with other students, and become engaged in my class and the culture I visit. Realistically though, this is probably not going to happen and it really breaks my heart. But my latest thought is, why can't I have that experience here, in D.C.? D.C. culture, like most areas of the US is pretty foreign to me. I never went to an American high school really, certainly not one in the ghetto, to one that looked like a jail and had metal detectors and guards posted at the doors. I never really knew anyone who was Black. The group of people I work with at lego have such different backgrounds from mine too, they are from all over the U.S., big cities, small cities, some transient, others lived in the same place their whole lives. We all have really different political ideas etc.

If I consider what it is about a traditional field study experience that I feel I missed out on, I'd say its engaging with a culture that is not my own and asking lots of questions, getting to know people I wouldn't have met anywhere else/in any other way, talking to people who are totally foreign to me. Why can't I do that here? There is certainly enough diversity, and certainly enough opportunity to engage, is there not? So why not? Perhaps I will embark on my own field study experience. I'm planning to take a medical terminology course through the local community college, it is in the ghetto and I'm sure there will be a lot of different types of people there, perhaps my goal should be to engage with that "culture", with the people I meet. Whereas my natural instinct would be to be shy and somewhat reclusive, perhaps I should make an effort to reach out to others, maybe my efforts will be accepted, maybe they will not, but whatever happens I'm sure if I am able to try and do this I will have no regrets. I wonder how else I can engage with my local community? I don't wanna have any more regrets!

Where am I from?

A couple weeks ago my brother-in-law Jeff asked me what I tell people when they ask where I am from. I replied "I usually lie, or evade the question." Today I was talking to a co-worker about the same thing and it occurred to me, that I probably have a lot of friends who don't actually know my background. When I lived in Egypt and Jordan I usually told people from outside of my school (like taxi drivers) that I was from Canada or the UK. When I moved to Utah for the first time I used to tell people I was from Indiana, Maryland, Georgia, wherever. Then once in a while people would ask what high school I went to and things would get complicated. When I moved to England I just told the truth b/c nobody really cared that I grew up outside of the US and they didn't ask stupid questions about it. When I moved to Seattle I said "I just moved from England" and when I moved to D.C. I said/say "I just moved from Seattle", although I haven't lived in any of these places for more than a few months, or at most a year at a time. When I move from here, I plan to say "I just moved from D.C". Inevitably this leads to confusion when I drop a story about my Chinese/Indian friend in Ma'adi whose mother cooked the most amazing food, and the person things I was born and raised in corn-country Indiana. But what am I supposed to say? Where am I from? Here is a timeline of my life, maybe you can decide.

Born Oct 2, 1982 in Anne Arundel General Hospital, Annapolis, Maryland.
Nov (?) 1982 I moved to Sudan with my parents
Aug (?) 1984 I moved to Cairo for the first time with my family
Dec/Jan(?) 1988 (?) I moved to Maryland w/ my family
Aug 1990 (or so) moved to Tunisia
Jan 1990 evacuated back to Maryland
Sept 1991 (?) moved back to Tunisia
Aug 1994 (?) moved back to Egypt
Aug 1997 (?) moved to Jordan
Aug 1998 moved to Indiana
Jan 1999 moved back to Jordan
Aug 2001 moved to Provo, Utah
Dec 2003 moved to Indiana
Mar 2004 went to Provo MTC to learn Korean
Jun 2004 moved to South Korea
Oct 2005 went home to Georgia
Jan 2006 moved back to Provo-UT
Oct 2009 moved to York, England
Sept 2010 moved to Seattle, WA
Apr 2011 moved to Washington DC
Presently in Washington, DC

This doesn't include the number of times I've moved from city to city within a country, or the time I spent outside of the US doing study abroad, etc. I spent a month in Taiwan (supposed to be longer) studying Chinese, and I spend a total of about 3 months in Italy doing archaeology. So you tell me, where am I from? Where would you say? Its the 3rd culture kid enigma. I lived the longest in Egypt but I never really 'lived' in Egypt, and no I don't speak Arabic. D.C. is where I feel most at home after all these years, but I have only been here a matter of months. I think the reason I love DC so much though, is because it reminds me a lot of Ma'adi, and many of my formative years were spent in that Cairo suburb. II think it is all the trees, medans (round abouts), noise, crowds of ppl, awful traffic, close proximity (walking distance) btw home or work, they all just make me feel at home and comfortable, but neither D.C. nor Ma'adi are my culture.

This week I went to my first ghetto high school in greater D.C. It was a culture shock experience. It looked like a jail, there were no windows, two cop cars were parked outside and there were metal detectors to get in, it was run down and ugly, I felt gross being there. I was talking to a co-worker of mine who was born and raised in D.C. and her culture is not my culture. Perhaps partly b/c of our different ethnic backgrounds, but in many ways D.C. is not my culture, I don't know the subtle nuances, I don't speak the language.

I've been reading a book by a Times journalist who was raised in San Juan, CA but who was born in Iran and came to the US as part of the revolution-inspired diaspora. A big part of her book is learning to navigate two different cultures and decide which is her own, its all about her search for place, really. I can relate to a lot of what she says, the frustration of trying to relate to people, to explain your background, to defend yourself when you don't know some tidbit of pop-culture, the weariness of answering so many questions when you just want to live and be 'normal' and talk at social functions rather than explain your life story, the sadness of not really belonging in either culture and yet being a product of both.

Some people talk about a 3rd culture kid phenomenon that occurs in communities of ex patriots. I think it has a lot of truth to it. I don't understand the subtle nuances of my "own" culture (meaning American), nor do I understand or speak the language of the culture of the countries where I was raised. My culture is a 3rd culture, it isn't American, it isn't the Middle Eastern. I'm most comfortable moving frequently, socializing w/ people from a variety of countries and backgrounds, eating food that is not potatoes and meat, speaking English as a second language, enjoying small/close communities and viewing my "own" culture (Of America) as a partial outsider. But how do you explain that to someone who has grown up, or been raised in the same place, or mostly similar places their whole life? And how do you determine where you are from? Can you tell someone that you are from a nebulous non-country-non-place that has neither a location nor a name? Will they understand when you say you feel home sick when you hear the call-to-prayer or realize that you no longer have any Chinese or Indian friends whose mothers cook amazing foods? Or how do you respond when people criticize you for criticizing your own nation's politics and lamenting that you don't have a socialist health care system, or really old buildings and stuff?

I wish I had a passport to this non-place so people would take me seriously and stop asking me stupid questions like "What was that like growing up overseas?" as if I have anything to compare my experience to. At BYU I always wanted to get in with the Arab cliques, or any international clique really, but even there I wouldn't quite belong, I'd still be an outsider. I wish there was a way, as an adult, to go home, even for a day, to return to the life that I remember, to eat the food, socialize with the familiar faces, to soak up the rich cultural differences over steaming home made chipatis, I wish there was a community of ex-patriots that I could inject myself into, a group of people who would understand where I come from, but there isn't, you can't re-create my past and my home, not unless you're willing and able to move, and even then I think it would be difficult. What ends up happening is that you adjust, you adopt another culture (in my case American) as your own and try to settle, but inside you always know that you don't quite belong and that nobody will ever really understand and that you can never really get it back. Maybe I should just refer people to this blog post.

Grumble, Grumble, Grumble

Today a school group from Friendship Children's Center in DC came to the Lego exhibit at the NBM. This school brought a group on Tuesday too. Both days they followed the same routine and it went something like this: Bring the kids upstairs and wait while one of the chaperons goes down to the info desk to buy tickets. Fine? Fine. Chaperon returns with enough tickets for the chaperons only. Fine? Not sure. On Tuesday at least, we were unsure. There were fifteen kids in the group whose age was debateable. At the NBM anyone three and older has to have a ticket. Some of these kids could have been abt 3, but the age range was probably more like 3-6. We figured there was some mistake with the front desk because my co-worker and I had only seen the kids walk by from inside the gallery. We discussed if we should say anything to the chaperons and decided against it, as the fault was probably with us. We noted the name of the school for future reference, let our boss know what we did and then went on with life. (which, now that we're on the subject, this week was crazy, that reminds me of another story).

So anyway, we let Tuesday slide. But today, the school group came back! They followed the same procedure. The chaperons brought the kids upstairs and someone went down to get tickets. Well we were on to them now. We radio'd ahead that a school group had come and that if anyone with the care center t-shirt came to buy tickets they should ask them about children in the group. Chaperons came back and started shuffling kids into the gallery. All the chaperons had tickets but none of the kids. I jumped up and asked the first chaperon 'How old are these kids?' He looked away and mumbled '2' (horrible liar). I looked at him skeptically (thinking to myself, you've got to be kidding me, these kids are as tall as my chest!). They kept shuffling the kids in and I asked all the other leaders how old the kids were, one didn't even look at me or acknowledge the question. Finally one said 'We didn't buy the tickets, you'll have to talk to her' and pointed at the head teacher. Finally my co-worker asked one of the kids in line 'How old are you?' and the kid said boldly 'Four!' (what kid who is four is going to pretend to be 2, I ask you!).

My co-worker pulled the group leader aside and luckily our substitute manager 'happened' to be on the scene, because he had heard our radio call to the ticket desk. So they had a little 'discussion' where the chaperon acted dumb, and I had to chase all the kids around and corral them until everything was sorted.

We looked up the school online later and these kids parents are paying upwards of $1200 a week for tuition. That's about $64,000 a year. It's not like they are scrimping pennies to take the kids out to do nice things... so what is their deal? I really don't get it.

The second story happened on Wednesday. The co-worker who had been with me in the gallery on Tuesday was at the info desk this day. Since the gallery was slow at the time, I had gone back to the Lego build area so start cleaning up. I looked up and saw two women with about 4 kids and two strollers enter the gallery. We have a 'no stroller' policy for the lego exhibit so I hurriedly walked over to the women and explained that they would have to leave their strollers outside. The woman nearest to me didn't seem to understand what I meant, she looked confused and was pointing at her wrist band. The other woman clearly understood and was about to take her stroller out when the other woman started to throw a fit. She threw slanders at me like 'Policy, what is this policy? You don't care about me and my child. I just want to play with my child and I can't (pointing at her child who appeared to be sleeping in the stroller) if I have to hold her, I can't play with my child." blah blah blah. Finally, the woman took her stroller outside.

Later that day, we went back in the play area to tidy some more and there was a huge puddle near where these women had been sitting. The women clearly knew about the puddle b/c they were actively keeping their children from crawling in it, but they didn't inform any of the staff that the puddle was there. I can't promise that the puddle wasn't water, but after what happened with a small "accident" we had in the play area last week, I'm not optimistic.

At any rate what the hell is up with either this woman or this school? What values are they teaching their children about living in a community, about integrity, and about other values that are necessary to get through life successfully? Plenty of kids and parents come through the exhibition every day, they pay their admission fee, they park their strollers outside, they listen politely to the rules, they help their children obey the rules and they don't complain about any of it. They clearly have certain standards that they require themselves and their children to live up to. In fact, the Friendship Children's Center claims its aim is to " instill in its students the values and awareness necessary to build a community of active, aware, and compassionate citizens." So, what are these values they are claiming to espouse? Lying gets you stuff? There's no harm if no one knows? Stealing is ok? What I really had a problem with where this school is concerned is that it wasn't just the boss that was lying and cheating the system, they were expecting it of the other staff, and even the children to some extent. When we asked the first leader in the door how old the kids were, he lied obviously, but in a way, the children lied by not correcting the leader when he said they were two. What the hell is this school doing teaching children and employees to lie? I wish there was a way I could complain without getting the museum in trouble. I'm gonna let my mind tinker about that. What I really want to know is whose idea this was in the first place? The school's? The head leader's? I would want to know if my kids were going to a school like this, that was espousing such LOW, low standards. I'm pretty sure I've seen them come through before this week too. Poop on them and may the culprits be plagued with bad karma and many dirty, explosive diapers.

Chicken or Egg Theory...

Tonight I had a nice dinner with my sister and her husband. We were chatting about a variety of things, but in the course of our discussion my mind came back to an idea I’ve been playing with for a long time. In the lego exhibit a bit part of my job is taking apart the buildings the kids make. Every day there are one or two buildings that are truly creative and unique, but for the most part all the buildings are built using the same methods and “design” patterns that I see every other day. Sometimes I wonder, if the child who designed this buildng has never seen another lego building, can I call this creative even though it looks exactly the same as most other buildings that kids build? Is it the materials (the intuitive nature of a lego, for example) that are influencing this builder, or the culture, or human nature or what? If everyone else uses the same techniques and lego pieces to build a house, yet none of them have ever seen anyone else build a house, is what they are doing creative, or something else?

This led me to think about a concept I have pondered a lot through studying archaeology—this phenomenon that ancient cultures who lived totally independently of one another all developed the same tools and weapons and buildings as each other, though they never had any contact with one another. For example, every culture went through a ‘stone age’ in which they developed tools made of stone to perform simple tasks such as cracking nuts, eventually their skills developed to make knives, and at some point the figured out how to knap. At some point the hunters and gatherers decided they needed more permanent housing and began designing structures with walls and roofs, the majority of hich were square, rectangular or circular. For the most part they used the same tools—branches for roofs at first and then progressing (in many cultures) to cut stone and then eventually tile. Many used dried mud for walls and then progressed towards learning to work with wood and stone. At some point these cultures all decided to form communities, and most interesting to me, to build monuments and commemorate their dead. In some cases these things became so important and intrinsic to their cultures that they hauled 1,000 pound stones over hundreds of miles to build tombs, temples and other monuments. What taught them to commemorate their dead? What taught them to build monumental buildings at all? Why would they feel so strongly about it that they put so much effort, time and resources into completing these tasks? Language also has examples of this, look at how many cultures have a word similar to ‘mom’ or ‘dad’ for the female and male parents in a family unit.

What is it that causes humans to act so similarly to one another and yet so independently of each other? My brother-in-law joked about the ‘common consciousness’ or ‘aliens’. But seriously, is it something about human nature that functions in a way in each one of us to the point that we process problems, questions and ideas in the same way? Are we first influenced by the problem or idea, or the materials at hand? What makes us do such similar things independently of one another? Are we creative? Or just responding to some natural instinct and the materials at hand?

As a Latter-day Saint I have to give a nod to my belief in a divine connection between each of us. I also believe everyone is a child of God and that everyone has a portion of his spirit dwelling with in them. I believe in a Holy Spirit which influences and teaches us, brings things to our remembrance and gives us ideas. In Alma 30:44, the prophet Alma testifies that all things denote there is a God—the movements of the earth, the animals and trees, the stars. I’ve always used this as a way of proving evolution, for example, or the movement of the earth or what have you. I firmly believe that everything on this earth has developed in such a way because of the hand of God. But here is another question, is he personally responsible for directing us in –everything- and telling us what to do in every situation, or is he merely responsible for providing us with the materials we need to be successful and the appropriate encouragement to ‘be creative’ and to solve our own problems. Is he responsible for every answer himself, or does he leave some of that up to us?

This reminds me of the story of the brother of Jared in the Book of Mormon who God instructed to build a ship. What is key in this example is that the scriptures do not say that God told him exactly how to build a ship, he just told him that he should build a ship. After the brother of Jared was told what to do, he was left to his own resources to figure out how. Jared came up with an idea and then asked God for advice on where to get materials for his ship. Isn’t the superior teacher the one who knows when to be completely involved in a student’s learning, and when to let the student learn for himself? Don’t we learn more after hours of tinkering and working things out then we do if someone just tells us what to do?

I wonder if this has any bearing on God’s relationship with us. I know that we believe that God leads us in all things, but does that necessarily mean he tells us everything we should do and how we should do it? To me, this idea makes me more in awe of God and his perfect abilities by believing that he –doesn’t- in fact instruct us in absolutely every detail of our lives, but he allows us to use our divine attributes and talents to figure things out and to work through things. I mean, when we are making decisions we are taught to work things out ourselves through study and prayer and hard work and then to go to God for his input, isn’t this kind of similar? By allowing us to be individuals he allows us to progress and to develop—what would it be like if God told us how to do absolutely everything? We would have no confidence in our accomplishments, we would defer to God in every instance—I’m not sure this is totally bad, but how are we ever going to learn to be like God if he micromanages our every action? We wouldn’t even have agency, would we? I mean, even in religious things God does not expect that everyone will believe and act in the same way. He provided different heavens for a reason—because he –doesn’t- expect us to work out all of our problems in the same way and to defer to him in every instance.

So what is the connection between all of my thoughts here? Are we creative people? Or is everything we do a product of our circumstances, human nature, or resources? I’m not sure I have a well-developed idea here. I think it must be a combination of things. I do believe that we are instructed by the Holy Spirit, I do believe He enlightens us to help us solve problems and that he instructs us in certain things like teaching us about our divine heritage. But there is part of me that believes he must leave a lot up to us, in which case there must be something about human nature, and the way we respond to our environment and process problems that means that we come to such similar conclusions even though we live independently of each other. I don’t think God instructs us in all ways, but rather, that he is with us and gives ideas here and there like a teacher might, and then just encourages us in our development. What do you think?

Vegetarian Peanut Soup

This is peanut soup with tofu in it instead of chicken. I know what you are thinking, tofu is gross, well that's only b/c you've never had tofu prepared properly.

Here is the key to cooking with tofu, get the firm kind! Not soft, not medium soft, FIRM. Ok. Another good thing to do is to brown it on at least one side. This requires something that many cooks (including myself) have a hard time with. Dice the tofu, put it in hot oil and then leave the tofu, by itself, just sitting, to brown, leave it for like ten minutes. You can check it every once in a while, but don't get impatient and be stirring the pot all the time, if you want it brown (and you do), then leave it alone.

Ok, so here is how I made my peanut soup.
Ingredients:
few dashes cajun seasoning and chili powder (red pepper is best, or pepper paste, but I didn't have any)
1/2-1 medium onion
2-3 cloves of garlic
a few dolops of peanut butter (the stir in kind)
8-10 oz tofu
1 can diced tomatoes
1/2 c water

Pour peanut oil mixed w/ vegetable oil in your pan, turn stove on to medium/high. Let sit for a minute until the oil is very viscous and if you put your hand over it to test the heat you can feel obvious warmth emanating from it.

Put the finely diced onions and garlic in the oil and cook or a couple minutes-- just until they are starting to get glassy. Push all the onions to the side of the pan and place the tofu in the center of the pan to brown. Stir the onions around and on top of the tofu. When one side is sufficiently brown you can turn the tofu onto another side. Put in spices, including freshly ground pepper. Put in as much as you can handle. When the tofu is of the browness you desire, dump a few spoonfuls of peanut butter on top and pour in the whole can of diced tomatoes, water and all. Add a little extra water, stir it all together, bring it to a simmer, turn down heat, and then just cook it until its the consistency you want. You can serve it over rice, but I just eat it plain. Its delicious and nutritious. You could add carrots, potatoes, zucchini, whatever you like, its just a standard soup/stew. Eat with sour dough bread or anjera, would be delicious.

Enjoy!

Is just wondering

Who the heck reads my blog?! I'm really curious here. Every time I log in there are 10-20 more people who have viewed it. Who are all you people?! :)

Happy Summer!

New topic-specific blog

Check out my new blog at friendingferdinand.wordpress.com-- it is tracking my journey to achieving financial independence and a providential living.

Leftovers

A great thing to do with leftovers? Make pizza pancakes out of them! In Korea Kimchi pizza/pancakes are very common and delicious. I also had an Indian friend whose mother would make us pancakes out of leftovers after school. Its very simple, take whatever leftovers you have, mix with 1/2 cup or so of flour or pancake batter, or a mixture of both, add an egg and fry. Its delicious. Tonight, mine are made from an eggplant-vegetable stew thing I made. Watery things are fine, b/c you have to make it somewhat soupy anyway! Like pancake dough. :P

Mmmm...

Delicious Summery Drink

I did this intentionally, and was totally surprised about how delicious it was.

Steep four bags of herbal mint tea in a pot of just-under-boiling water until you have a nice dark brew. You don't want to steep mint tea for too long, or in boiling water, because it can burn and give you a bitter flavor.

Add this brew to a pitcher of Target brand pomegranate crystal lite, add a touch more water, chill, enjoy.

Its so good, its unbelievable. Would also be delightful with some lemon slices, or strawberries floating in?

Light Summer Side-dish

I had this side dish at a barbecue yesterday, at first I was a little suspicious, but it actually turned out super delicious.

The ingredients:
plain yogurt
red grapes
fresh mint

Directions: Mix. Enjoy.

I know it sounds weird, but red grapes are sweet enough that when they mix with the yogurt its as good as honey to my palate. This is an easy, delicious side that you can take to anything, especially in the summer! If you are skeptical, give it a try, you might be surprised, I was!

Taxes

Admittedly I don't know much about whatever the government is debating concerning taxes right now, I mean, all I know is what's on the radio. Based on what I've heard I'm pretty irritated. The idea that cutting taxes is somehow going to make our country more prosperous and less in debt doesn't make sense to me at all. If I were the US, and my sister or parents were giving me advice on good money management, becoming financially independent and getting out of debt, they would say 'evaluate what your needs are and make a budget; assign a set amount for debt repayment and savings first, then divide what you have between your other costs'.

But to me it sounds like the options that are being posed by our government are 1. decrease the amount of money you make a month, eliminate some of the things you are paying for that aren't essential to live on (like toilet paper), increase the amount of credit you use to pay for everything else and hope that someone thinks you are really cool and gives you more money or 2. reserve more money for your essentials, eliminate some non-essentials and borrow more money from your frienemies b/c you won't be able to make ends meet. I just don't understand it!

These tax debates have been going on for a long time, I know, but lately they feel more pertinent to me. About a month ago the National Building Museum informed its employers that we would have to start charging admission to visit the galleries in the museum, almost all of which used to be free to the general public. Why? Because of tax cuts. Federal tax cuts meant that almost half of the museum's funding was lost and the museum can't cover all of its expenses. The building was specifically set aside by an act of congress as a museum, but the government doesn't consider it important enough to give it enough money so that it can actually function as it should, or live up to is potential.

Some people think charging admission is ridiculous, and it is. Its a Federal building, after all, but the museum was designated as a non-profit, private museum. Meaning that we don't get the funding that other national museums get because we are not part of Smithsonian. Sadly, the reality of the matter is the money to run the building (maintain the appearance, provide educational exhibits and public programs, and pay staff) has to come from some place, and if its not coming directly from people's pay checks by way of taxes, its coming directly from their wallets by way of admission fees. I am not sure how big of a problem this has been in the museum, because ppl have always had to pay for the Lego exhibit, and I don't deal with the money, but I think its inevitable that people will complain. Most people think we are part of the Smithsonian, and because the museum is in a Federal building we are not allowed to charge for people to visit the great hall. So I can see how people would be confused that visiting one of the five or six galleries requires an admission fee.

My response to this is, 'did you vote to cut taxes? then stop complaining.' If you didn't vote to cut taxes, then please become more politically active. That's all I can think of. People love their free public parks, national monuments, camping out doors on public land, free museums, social security, unemployment checks, panther health if you get laid off, cheap public universities, and people complain that our public education system are awful-- but these same people vote to cut taxes. 2+2 does not equal 5 people. If you want the government to do its job, then you have to be willing to give up some of your money in taxes. You can't run a steam engine if you don't have any coal. Paying taxes is not a new concept. People have been paying taxes for thousands of years. Sure, governments aren't perfect and there is a lot of debate about how our money is spent, and some people mis-use it, but the upshot of it is that if something you like is supported by the government and you vote to cut taxes, then say sayanara to whatever that thing is, because it can't run on nothing.

Seriously, the only reason I registered as a democrat when I moved to DC is because I hate almost all Republican platforms, its just a statement because I don't even get a vote as a resident of the District of Columbia. Ironic that the residents of our nations capitol don't get a vote, we should go find a boat full of tea to burn. lol

Asparagus Casserole

So I decided that I need to experiment with vegetables more, as I've been getting shockingly few as a recent, alone-living bachelorette. I know, I know, I usually cook a lot, but since I've been living alone, its not uncommon for me to have popcorn for dinner, cereal, nothing, etc. Well, I decided I need to get to know the vegetables and fruits in their season, so this week at Costco I purchased a very large bag of asparagus, having no idea what to do with it.

Around the same time I realized that I had some milk about 3 weeks old and a piece of 'fresh' mozzarella that was starting to look yellow. Hmmm, but all is not lost, its the perfect opportunity, said I, for a cheese sauce of some kind. At first my plan was just to blanch some asparagus and pour my cheesy sauce on top, but as the meal progressed in the making, I decided to bake it. This is common for me when cooking, I don't plan anything (hmm... sounds like other areas of my life as well).

So anyway, it started out like this. I blanched some asparagus. In another pan I started cooking up some chopped garlic, italian seasoning, black pepper, red hot peppers, oregano and basil. When the asparagus was sufficiently blanched I put it in a strainer and thought, hmm, I have almonds in my fridge-- and proceeded to use the blanching pan to fry some almonds w/ oregano and basil. Around this time I was ready for my rue and added some flours to simmering oil w/ garlic etc and then poured some of my soured milk in the pan. Chopped up the over-ripe mozzarella and added that too. I also put in some grated cheddar and stirred continuously. You have to be careful with a cheesy rue, you really have to make sure to stir it or it will burn and or stick to the bottom of your pan. I noticed I had added a little too much flour to my rue and my cheese sauce was very sticky, so I added the rest of my milk and more cheese. Then I dumped the almonds in the sauce and realized I had way too much sauce for my asparagus... fried/simmered/blanched some more asparagus and set it aside to strain.

When I got bored with tending the cheesy sauce I added the asparagus and thought 'this is still liquidy' so I threw it in my creuset with some more cheese on top and some crushed up triscuits and bunged it in the oven at 350 for 35 minutes (or until I get bored/hungry and take it out). I will let you know how it turns out, but I have high hopes.

One caution about cooking w/ off mozzarella AND off milk, it will have a somewhat alcoholic twinge to it, so if you don't like that flavor much, be more prudent than I in your use of cheese. Until it is finished and I have something to report, here's to a summer of good vegetables!


And the outcome is... pretty good! I left it in for 20 minutes longer b/c it was still pretty juicy, I should have added more cheese!

Rust Stains

Ironic as it is, I got a rust stain on the upholstery in my car when I rented a steam cleaner from a local hardware store. Surprisingly, rust is not an easy substance to remove from upholstery. At first, thinking the stain wasn't a big deal, I elected to scrub my seats with a mild oxyclean solution. As I did this, and to my utter horror, the stain went from barely noticeable to multiple huge brownish-red spots all over my seat. It was horrifying, I'm not exaggerating there.

I quickly went online to google "how to get rust stains out of upholstery" and came up with a number of websites that suggested using salt and lemon juice-- though they all suggested using it in different ways. After multiple efforts, I found that first sprinkling salt on the "wound" and then saturating the spot with lemon juice did draw out a lot of rust. However, most of the websites suggested keeping the spot saturated ALL day, for 24 hours. That just wasn't feasible for my work-schedule/life. So the salt ended up caking on the seat and looking awful for... oh, weeks. At some point I tried to scrape the salt off, at least. This resulted in having crusty salt all over my car, and a large rust spot to boot. :P I tried this on a couple of occasions with very little change, or success.

Disappointed and frustrated, I left the spot for a few weeks more. However, the witching hour came, and I realized I HAD to take care of the pronto, or it would badly affect the trade-in value of my auto. E-how suggested a few different methods of graduating caustic-ness to remove the stain so I decided to try these. I skipped the 'mild soap solution' idea and their version of the 'salt and lemon juice' and went right for the big hitter: mild ammonia solution.

Some interesting things happened during the ammonia trial, which opened my mind to the properties of rust. The directions on e-how prescribe making a 2 tblspn ammonia to 4 cup warm water concotion. (I strongly suggest you refrain from taking a bit sniff of the ammonia... I made that mistake, and I think I've lost some brain cells and nose hairs). You saturate the spot with the solution and then soak it up with a rag or paper towel. It's very interesting. I didn't have any rags b/c I was visiting my brother's house and didn't want to ruin his. So I bought some white socks from the dollar store, which I used to both saturate the spots, as well as soak up the rust. As soon as you saturate the spot with the ammonia solution, the spot momentarily disappears and then re-appears bigger and nastier than ever before. At first I was blotting with the socks and having very little success. Because my seats were sort of slanty, every time I would saturate the spot, the rust would simply move locations and spread. It reminded me of what happens when you accidentally flood your garden. The soil and whatever is on top just moves to a different location in your garden, instead of just getting saturated and staying put. Additionally, the socks were doing a very poor job of soaking up the rust. Finally I found that paper towels worked a charm, but like a one-two-punch, you had to get the timing right. Saturate, blot, blot, blot. Saturate, blot, blot, blot. You can't hesitate or the rust would just spread, or do nothing but remain affixed to my seats.

In some ways it felt like giving first-aid to someone's sliced open arm. The saturating step would be like the action of slicing the arm. The blotting step would be like the applying a bandage and pressure. Like dressing a wound, you don't clean it with a bandage, take the bandage off and add a new one. You put a new bandage on top of the old bandage and apply severe pressure. This is what it was like for the rust spot. In the end, the timing and materials were what did the trick: using a crap-ton of good-quality paper towels, and a generous dose of ammonia-water. Once a majority of the rust and ammonia is absorbed out, just keep blotting the 'wound' with paper towels until dry. I was a little unsure of using such a caustic cleaning solution on my upholstery, but there is so little ammonia compared to water, that I couldn't even smell any after-smell, and the ammonia actually helped to dry the spot a lot faster. As of yet, it doesn't look like there is any damage or discoloration to the upholstery, so I give e-how ten stars for getting it right, even though the first two methods they suggested made me want to scream and cry, the third of the four suggestions worked delightfully well.

What I learned about rust, which is important to remember in removing a stain is that rust is not going to dissolve as you clean it. It remains in very, very small pieces. This is why it reacted like flooding a field, because the rust hadn't stained my upholstery, but rather adhered to the upholstery. Its the physical properties of it that made it float across the seat as I saturated it, and applying a good quality paper towel was like channeling the direction the water (and rust) flowed, sort of like irrigating the field- it just gives the particles a place to go.

Anyway, that's a lot of analogies. Rust is pretty fascinating. Perhaps I will make a hobby of learning to remove various objects from clothing. Could be cool!

"Agnes Grey" by Anne Bronte

So... I just finished reading Agnes Grey by Anne Bronte. Two things struck me about this book 1) How well I feel I can relate to the main character 2) How well I could relate to Ms Bronte's explanation of religion throughout.

Agnes Grey is the youngest daughter of a curate, or something, whose mother married way below her class and was cut off from her inheritance and family as a result. The family struggled through many hardships and when Agnes was about 18, she decided to try being a governess. The book tells about two families for whom she was governess, and they were awful! During her tenure with the second family, Agnes came to know the local curate, by the name of Edward Weston. She falls in love with him quickly, and its this part that I can really relate to. Agnes experiences all the usual ups and downs of falling for someone. After a few stolen glances she is swooning with happiness that he noticed her, only to be depressed by her fears not long after that 'he could never love her'. As the reader, I had no idea if things would work out between Edward and Agnes. After reading Wuthering Heights, by Anne's sister, I felt that anything was possible! So, while I was hoping for their union, I also found myself experiencing the ups and downs of Agnes' love affair with her. After reading Agnes Grey and imagining what it would be like to court or be courted during the Victorian (?) period, it just seems like no matter the age, relationships and courtship are messy. There are always the stolen glances, the hopeful upswings, the supposed slights that send you crashing and burning to the earth like a hit plane. You never know what's going on with the other person, and you find yourself living out this hoped-for fake relationship in your head, until someone is brave enough to either make a move, or it becomes necessary to 'get over' that person. The only thing that would have made it even worse in the Victorian age, was that a woman couldn't really speak out of turn to a man, or make very much of an effort herself at all, she was totally dependent on the man making a move. All she could do was encourage his advances, or not. But maybe that's how its supposed to be, I don't know. I'm not the expert. I guess that means that men must have had to take a lot of the responsibility of dating, and take risks. I guess there were also very strict rules of society that would dictate how a woman should act if she was interested in a guy, or how she should spurn his advances if she wasn't. I'm not sure if this is the case today, I'm not sure if its better now that women are so much more liberalised to engage men in conversation, to take a lead in the dating process, or to ask men on dates. I wonder if our new-found liberty actually slows the dating-process in some way, as if by taking the responsibility away from the man, we're also taking away some of the rewards of 'conquest' and therefore, the motivation to act? I have no idea, I'm just musing.

The second point was referring to Ms Bronte's descriptions of religion, the pursuit of happiness and our purpose in life. It resonated so well with me that at times I was wondering how it was possible that she could be Mormon in the mid-nineteenth century! But I guess in truth, it just reflects that we Mormons aren't the only ones with truth, and that that is actually what resonates. I think the best example is when Agnes goes to visit a friend of hers, Nancy Brown, at the village associated with the second family for whom she was governess. Nancy had an unfortunate experience with the village Rector, who, after telling him about her troubles in finding peace and feeling the spirit, the Rector had basically told her she was a lost cause. But then Nancy launches into a discourse on what happened when she bore her soul to the curate Edward Weston. This is one part that really resonates with me. The curate launches into a long explanation of the two greatest laws of heaven and how obeying these two laws will bring Nancy untold happiness. There are other points in the book where Weston, or Agnes divulge other similar tidbits of wisdom that really go along well with my own beliefs. The book is full of anecdotes about how to live a better life, how to love your neighbor and what Christ's sacrifice really mean. I am very impressed with Anne's deep understanding of what I always considered 'prime Mormon doctrine', but in reality I guess they are just truths that have been around for a long, long time.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I really appreciated this book, not only b/c its so short, but b/c of the sincerity I felt within it. Anne writes w/ the feeling of a real woman, you can feel the experience and depth of her life and I really like that.

If I may be honest

About two or three weeks ago I discovered that my beloved car will not be my beloved car much longer. This year has been a big expenditure year for the old girl and we've already put more into her in the last three months then her current net worth, so it is time to say goodbye. The task of looking for a new car has been interesting. It started out a bit apprehensively, with me not really wanting to accept that I actually needed to find a car. That quickly turned into an interested curiosity and even a touch of excitement. After three weeks of looking for cars online that are affordable, quality and have low mileage, there are few to none in my price range. I've been grappling w/ the choice of either getting a less great car and spending less, or getting a car I know will last me a long time and will cost me about 1/3 as much per month. In some ways I feel like I can relate the car search to many other areas of my life-- finding a job, relationships, budgeting... I work and work and work and work and think and think and think and talk to everyone I can think of to get advice; I brainstorm and take notes and evaluate and question, and ask more people, and check consumer reports again and again, and bounce from one website to the other, and call people up and visit dealerships and still no answers come. I am still just as far away from making a decision as I ever was, except the difference is that today I've spent about 100 hours trying to find the right answer and have nothing to show for it, and before I just had no idea bout cars. I still have no idea if a smaller, newer compact car is worth the thousands of dollars they cost; if a 2004 Toyota Corolla or 2005 Honda Civic are really worth $12,500 each, even though they each have 90,000+ miles on them. Similarly, I am unsure if my job at a museum w/ unpredictable hours and a plethora of other frustrating elements is really worth the $10 bucks an hour I am getting paid. I still don't know if I should really give all the guys I meet a chance even though 80% of them are not attractive to me, 95% are not interested in me and the other 5% are blockheads. These are tough questions and there are no straightforward solutions. There are a million 'what ifs' and stipulations. There are no easy solutions. And, like the car search, after 100+ hours of trying to put the leg work in to find a solution, I feel as empty handed as I ever was. Somehow all of these issues just feel like the same problem/question over and over again just dressed up in different suits and striking at different parts of my heart. They are all frustrating, they are all complicated, none of them come with instruction manuals and nobody will tell me how to proceed. No matter how hard I try, or how many ppl I talk to, or how many hours I spend researching online, I feel like I'm in the same place I was last week, last month, last year or last decade. I just can't figure out the the way to go and I don't feel like I'm getting the inspiration I need to carry on. At this point do I just say 'to hell w/ it' and make a choice, or do I hold out for some inspiration and try to believe its going to come? At what point do the pieces start falling into place so I can start worrying about new problems? Or will those problems just be the same problems I'm dealing with now, only they are dressed in a pin-stripe, rather than a navy blue suit? Is this all really a test of my faith, or am I just blind?